Waiting on the Wall
Part 1.
By Toffee
He sat on the wall on the corner of the street every night, just waiting. Nobody ever noticed him, their eyes shifted from him to the empty space either side of him as if he were part of the wall. He didn’t know what he was waiting for, or why each night he would return to the wall and resume his silent waiting. But still, he waited.
It was raining when he saw her; a vague silhouette in the faded light. She was running, but from what, he didn’t know. She ran straight past him, not seeing him as he silently watched her. She tripped and fell a few feet from him and he laughed to himself. How clique. But he made no move to help her. He just watched as she slowly rose to her knees and moved closer to the wall, leaning her back against it as she sat with her eyes closed. Her hair and clothes were plastered to her body. She looks so helpless! He thought. She sat quite still, her breaths long and even. He looked at her closely. She’s crying! He realised, though the rain did a good job of hiding her tears. He smiled then, entranced by her simple beauty, and slightly aroused by the sight of her skin and curves through the now transparent clothing. But he still never moved from his spot on the wall.
As if sensing his gaze upon her, she opened her eyes and looked his direction. This bothered him not as she, like everyone else, would look past him, not realising he was there. When their eyes met, he was shocked; fierce blue eyes stared at him with such intensity and curiosity he felt a slight blush threatening. She can see me! He couldn’t pull away from her eyes. He’d never seen eyes like hers before, such brilliantly blue, crystal clear fiery eyes staring right into the depths of his soul. They seemed to belong to someone older than she appeared, and they held a secret, one that he longed to know. She smiled shyly and looked away. He let out his breath, unaware that he had been holding it and continued watching her. What has come over me!? This is so… surreal. He realised that this is what he had been waiting for.
She rose, straightened her clothing and lifted herself into the wall beside him."What are you doing?" She asked.
"Waiting," he said smoothly. "And you?" he asked, tilting his head slightly.
"Hiding," she laughed. "Well, technically I’m sitting on a wall with a mysterious stranger who seems surprised I am doing so, which leads me to believe that nobody else has noticed him. And I, by sitting with him, can no longer be seen… yes?" She gave him a cheeky smile, laughing at the stunned look on his face.
He loved her laugh. God, I’m like a schoolboy in love!, he thought to himself.
"So why were you running?" He asked, instantly regretting the question when the colour drained from her face.
She lifted one shaking hand and pointed somewhere in front of them. "Them," she said, staring past her hand into the distance. "They cannot see me it seems. But they know I am here. They… they always know."
His eyes followed her hand and he was instantly enraged by what he saw. He jumped to his feet near knocking her over as he prepared to confront the abominations before him.
To Be Continued...
Just a side note, pretty much all of my work is 'to be continued' since i have a 'good' idea for a story, but no idea where it goes after the beginning. As i explained to the man who invited me here, i seem to have lost my inspiration. He thought perhaps this would help =)
Cheers ~*Toffee*~
Cheers ~*Toffee*~
6 comments:
I have to say that I like this. It works a little better for me than the beginning did. I know the beginning, or some form of it, may be vital to the story. You will have to decide that as you do your editing.
Second line: …”their eyes shifted…” probably need to clarify somewhat whose eyes shifted. Maybe add something like …when people would pass him, they never really seemed to notice him; their eyes would shift from one side of the wall to the other… Or something like that.
Second para, 3rd line near the end. I think that is supposed to be cliché rather than clique. Spell check will do that to you if your not careful.
Same line right after clique, needs a comma after the But.
This sentence seems a little cumbersome “This bothered him not as she, like everyone else, would look past him, not realising he was there.” Maybe just tighten it up a little.
Might want to tone down the description of the eyes a little here “He’d never seen eyes like hers before, such brilliantly blue, crystal clear fiery eyes staring right into the depths of his soul.” Maybe just stick with a couple adjectives.
Also here “and they held a secret, one that he longed to know.” Its not yet apparent that they hold a secret, maybe just hint at it, or bring this in later.
Again, maybe bring this thought in later also “He realised that this is what he had been waiting for.” Its seems a little early for him to realize this without a why or what.
Could probably drop the “smoothly” here “Waiting," he said smoothly. "And you?" he asked, tilting his head slightly.”
Also the “mysterious” here. Doesn’t seem to be enough info yet for that. Maybe make him mysterious, without telling the reader that he’s mysterious. Set the stage to let the reader draw that conclusion.
“She lifted one shaking hand and pointed somewhere in front of them.” Here I think you could say just that she pointed. Like this: She lifted one shaking hand and pointed. “Them.”
A little complicated here “"They cannot see me it seems. But they know I am here. They… they always know." Maybe just “I don’t think they can see me but, …”
Anyway, good job here Toffee. I hope this helps some. Maybe rather than worry about editing now, just press on with your work. You could find that you spend a lot of time editing a part and then as the work progresses you scrap that part anyway. I hope you get your inspiration back. I would like to read more of this and see where you take it.
Thanks for posting.
-Steve
ARG! I never noticed that i spelt it wrong!!!!
yes it's meant to be Cliche (with the funny e) lol =(
You're advice did help.... ANd i am going to edit this sometime in the near future... or actually continue with the other parts =) I havent decided yet...
Oh... and... i do not know how to edit my story so i can change anything anyways....>.>
Yeah the edit function took me a little while to find. Click on New Post at the top then you will see a tab for edit. Click on that and you will get a list of all posts, then just select yours. The old post will be replaced with the new version. It works pretty good and all the comments stay in place.
Glad it helped.
-Steve
Yay! Steve you're a legend...
Ok i will get to that soon... but i have to go to sleep soon.... maybe.... since i have open tomorrow at work...
how do i find your stuff to read?? so i can uh... read it and not comment on my own work lol!
Hey Toffee, at the top of every page, you'll see, "Authors | Subjects". If you click on Steve's name under there then blogger will show you only Steve's work. That is only Steve's work in Fiction. You can do the same thing in Poetry of course. Cheers!
Hi Toffee. One thing I have to do is finish my stories. Even if the story is poor I have to complete it. I constantly say to myself, don’t worry I am not going crazy, “I can’t go on to write another story until I have finished the one I am working on.” The reward then, after I finish writing my story, is that I have another blank page or canvas on which I can start a completely new story.
Maybe you are trying to do too much with plots, premises, subplots and all the rest that you need to work on something manageable like a short story or a poem something that you can see yourself finishing and once you have done that you can try something a small bit more ambitious. It is fairly damaging when you only have half a story, a bit of a song, or only the ending a film. That’s why having a complete bit of work, even if you consider it the worst bit of literature you have ever written at least you can say that you completed it and now you are moving on to something new.
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