By Toffee
The rain was falling heavily; lightning flashed regularly bringing streaks of light to the darkness. The lightning was followed almost instantaneously by deafening thunderclaps that echoed throughout the city. It was one of the worst storms recorded in the town's history. Anybody caught in it was a fool. He or she would be as good as dead. But that didn't stop Kaylee. Mind you, she wasn't out in the storm by choice. She had recently evicted from her apartment, fired from her job and had her car repossessed. Things didn't look good for the 21 year old; never in her life had spent a day on the streets, and she was now faced with that prospect. All of her possessions now lived in the single cardboard box she held in her arms. The box had seen better days to begin with, but with the rain it was literally falling apart. Holding it together as best she could, she continued walking through the streets, the cold biting through the clothes now plastered to her body. She stumbled blindly into the park, spotting a stone table nearby. She fell to her knees crawling beneath it, pushing her box in front of her. She stashed as best she could out of the rain in the center of the underside of the table and crawled out. She slowly climbed on top of the table top, and stood there defiantly. She screamed, throwing her head back, but the sound was overpowered by another clap of thunder overhead. Once more she fell to her knees, lying on her back on the table letting the storm rage chaotically around her.
Duo was tossing and turning unable to sleep. Yet it was not the storm keeping him awake. He was plagued by the images of a mysterious young woman calling for him. She was tall with long dark hair that would fall in waves past her shoulders, but the wind and rain had plastered it to her body, along with her clothes which left little to the imagination, clinging to her skin clearly outlining each curve her body possessed. He had never seen the girl before, and he couldn't for the life of him work out why he was seeing her now. Finally giving up on sleep entirely he sat up and concentrated on her image, asking the Watchers for a name or anything he could use to find out who she was and why she was in his mind. She was human, that much he could tell, so how did she call to him? Humans didn't possess that gift. He concentrated further, sensing power. It was strong, yet undeveloped. She is human! How is this possible?! The desire to investigate was very strong so he slid himself out from beneath the sheets and pulled on his jeans and boots. He considered the storm outside for a moment before pulling his shirt over his head and grabbing is long coat. He slipped out into the storm, climbing down the fire escape and into the streets. He would find her before the night was over, and discover how a human possessed something that should have been kept beyond her reach. Somebody broke the rules; he would make them regret it.
To Be Continued....
4 comments:
Hi Toffee, nice to see you here. It looks like you are a new member. Welcome.
Ok, where to begin? I realise it is 'the beginning'. So it seems like a work in progress. First off the opening is very laborious the imagery about the rainstorm is not needed. Perhaps by concentrating on one main image to explain the situation is more than enough.
this line: 'He or she would be as good as dead' is not needed. Using the word 'they' is more than enough. There is also a question about the line before being incorrect. I don't want to sound too harsh it just seems like there are quite a few grammatical problems with the story, and I don't feel it would be in my interest to point out some of the obvious ones.
I was looking at this section:
'Things didn't look good for the 21 year old; never in her life had spent a day on the streets, and she was now faced with that prospect.
What comes to my mind, and correct me if I am wrong, is you shy away from 'that' or 'it' (in this case), you say 'she was now faced with that prospect'. What prospect might that be? I assume 'that' refers to the prospect of sleeping on the street. I think by saying she was in the predicament that you are describing and she never slept on the street is enough to indicate that she may have to sleep rough.
You also say, 'things didn't look good for the 21 year old'. Perhaps you could describe her looks rather than telling the reader that she was 21. Was she young looking, did her face look older than her years. Tell us a bit about her rather than focusing on a number to describe her age.
Another thing there's too much happening with the box and the woman falling, stumbling, climbing and some bizarre table top antics. I mean it sounds like she is having a fit.
There is this strange archaic language trying to come through: 'Duo was tossing and turning unable to sleep. Yet it was not the storm keeping him awake.' 'Yet it was not the storm' is awkward and trivial.
I think what you really need to do is concentrate on simple language.
Also you say, 'She was human, that much he could tell, so how did she call to him? Humans didn't possess that gift. He concentrated further, sensing power. It was strong, yet undeveloped. She is human! How is this possible?!' I mean you do not need to say that she was human twice and overly compound such impossibility.
Your last part, 'Somebody broke the rules; he would make them regret it' you could have said, 'he would make them pay'. As simple as that, even though the cliché police could be on my case for suggesting such a sentence. What you really need to do is use words sparingly. I guess that only comes when you have looked at the story more carefully and had more time to edit.
I'm not known for mincing my words, so forgive if I sound overly critical. It is an interesting theme you are developing but it needs a lot more work and some direction. Cheers for this ;)
Ok as i am new here i do not know how to respond to your comment other than leaving a comment myself! If i figure out how in the future *hint hint tell me =D* I will respond more directly.
Thankyou for the advice, it is a work in progress and the first time i've written something like THAT. Truth be told, i was bored one day while waiting for the bus. for my first post here i SHOULD have put 'Waiting on the wall' which was better (in my opinion) But... i didnt think it through when i posted. We learn from our mistakes....
Laborous imagery... i will probably remove it lol... I just like imagery =D... And i wanted 'readers' to know how bad the storm was to realise what was going on in her... i never got around to writing the part that she was causing the storm =D But that was for another day. As for the comment about her age... i had never thought of that... it did seem awkward to me but i had no idea how exactly to word it... and so i lamely came up with that... even as i wrote it and rewrote it i'm like "uh... ok this is dumb but it will do for now"
True there probably are gramatical errors.... because i have the story in my head but i dont know how to get it on the page very easily... it is the same when i write music... i can sing the notes but i cannot write them.
"it sounds like she's throwing a fit" She is throwing a fit. She's like "damn you world how could you do this to me what did i ever do to you?" pretty much... I mean... she's just been tossed out into the street without a penny to her name... and it's raining. So she throws her arms in the air like a stubborn child and screams.
Duo saying "she's human" twice... one of them is just in passing "yeah she's human... so... yeah" And the next is later when he's delved more into the 'issue' going "WTF SHE'S A HUMAN!" the bit in bold etc is him 'thinking' i had no way of conveying that...
It is nice to have someone read/hear it who says something other than "oh that's very good" (Most of the people who do read my writing.... uh... for lack of better words they're not very literate and so they cannot objectively give advice etc)
I'll look through my story sometime (when i have time) And work on it.
Thanks... =)
That's what this blog is all about. I don't think you'll find many comments like, 'It is nice' or 'that's very good'. We all want to learn and even a comment that sounds a small bit critical is only meant to help the writer out. I know I might not be a fiction writer but at least I try to give my opinion every so often. Hopefully though I have not sounded too critical just tried to be of some help. All the best.
Hey Toffee, Welcome also. I won’t go into the editing bit as Tiger hit that pretty good. I see that you do one of the same things that I frequently do when I write a first draft…I throw in a huge amount of detail. I used to be terrible about this, now I’m only mildly terrible. Anyway, to the three Rs: rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. As you go through your drafts, decide what is vital to the story and what’s not. The not vital, throw it out.
The stories that I write and want to pursue, that is, those that I don’t abandon at the first (or second) draft stage, end up a good bit shorter than when I began. I probably cant give you an example though because now that I think of it…I don’t think I’ve ever posted a final draft here; of fiction anyway, and probably only one or two in poetry.
The other thing is write a lot (I’m most guilty of not following my own advice here), read EVEN MORE than a lot, and then post your work here. Like everyone else, most of the people that you associate with probably have backgrounds similar to yourself. That gives you a narrow audience with similar perspectives. This is a great group here that PB has pulled together. We are from different parts of the world and those of us from the US are fairly scattered. So, you will get a good variety of advice and input. Then, its up to you to use what you want and disregard what you don’t.
Last, read the work of others and jump in with your own comments. You’ll have fun.
Oh yeah, if you haven’t done so already, make a trip over to the poetry section. PB and Tiger are the resident poets…there is some really fine work there. If you find you need some inspiration for your writing, take a look at what they (and lately LO) have posted there. You will learn a lot.
I’ll look forward to see how this one develops, as I can see that you are able to spin a good yarn.
Thanks for posting.
Steve
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