Due to a few comments I have gotten and my own dissatisfation with the story I have revised and redited it. I think I sorted out the voice and put it in present tense. Hopefully this reads a lot better than before. I will probably continue editing this.
Body
The crisp morning air numbs the wide ugly-flat countryside. Roughly ploughed furrows of earth cover the landscape. Down by a windy stretch of road a collection of spindly trees screen a clutter of cowsheds and a grey two-storey house. The house door is open and it is dark and cavernous inside. In the narrow corridor large muddy footprints paint patterns and travel down the worn flowery carpet stopping outside an open door. Through the door is a small, mouldy-smelling room. A thick layer of dirt veils daylight from entering through the window, below a limescale sink holds a dirty pot submerged in water. Next to the sink a bed of bricks prop up a food-incrusted cooker while cabinets and drawers with crooked doors sit on either side. A table stands by the wall while a large-sized man with rolls of fat forming around his neck and waistline slouches over a cereal bowl. His hair is matted, dark and greasy, and his face tired.
Above a black-and-white photograph hangs over him, enclosed in a stocky, protective frame. The figure is of a slim a man wearing a cap.
The man does not finish his breakfast instead he gets up from the table and makes his way into the muck-filled air.
Outside the cold stings. The man walks briskly over the untidy yard covered in farm equipment and mountains of turf and makes his way towards an open shed in which a tractor with a plough is parked. Sunlight illuminates the tractor bonnet, spills out over the rusty grates and travels into the windowless driver’s box. He climbs high up into the cold icebox and turns the key in the ignition. The engine rattles. He drives over the cobbled yard passing cows crowding behind a fence and enters the flat fields.
From his vantage point he can inspect the land. Tidy uniformed hedgerows, with the odd gorse bush, skirt the edges of the ploughed fields. Gripping the wheel with his butcher-like hands he drives the tractor over the rough furrows of earth and stops. The plough, with its blade fixed in its frame, cuts into the weight of the earth and prepares the ground for the planting of seeds. Then the blade strikes something. The stubborn earth fights. The tractor rattles. He slides out of the tractor and marches over to investigate. Standing above the trouble spot he looks down and not more than a foot below are dark, bony limbs peeking out, preserved and barely visible. The face is shrunken in and skeletal, the skull nests in the worn fibres of a lined cap. The jacket is in tatters and the trousers well gnawed.
Reaching into his trouser pocket he pulls out a battered mobile and with his muddy fingers and dirt clogged nails he dials a number. “I want to report a body I found in my field.”
On the other end an incoherent, monotone voice replies while sky-grey stacks of cloud appear. He concentrates on the little drizzles of rain watching drops silhouette his fleece, and then he turns his attention to the phone call– a shaky bad reception one. He gives his name, information and address.
He makes out: “We will send someone out to you shortly.”
Hanging up he slides the phone back into his pocket, takes a deep breath of air and climbs back into the tractor. He rests his face in his hands and dozes off. A siren wakes him and he spots a vehicle, in thick black clouds, flashing lights in the distance. The vehicle pulls up next to the tractor. The cut of the guard is anything but reassuring. He is sweat-soaked, wears a cap and busts out of his wrinkled-blue uniform. It is a struggle to get out of the car. After numerous attempts he becomes unstuck only to discover the field presents another obstacle – mud. His movements are slow and laboured, his breathing heavy. Up in the tractor the man points. The guard’s footsteps play catch up with the other as they follow the direction of the finger and the intricate line of the gesture. When he arrives at the body, he hovers, and reaches for his radio, which he carries by his side. He messes about with the controls while above the sky blackens and raindrops increase in regularity and size.
“When do you think I could get back to work?”
The radio crackles as the guard studies the dirt, the layers, the slight differences of colour, the mixture of clay and topsoil. “I’m afraid you won’t be doing any work today – from the look of things.”
The guard offers the man a lift. He gets in and gives directions for the duration of the journey over the fields. All the while sweat oozes from the guard, the smell fills up the car. In an attempt to avoid suffocation the man rolls down the window but this does not help as the thick smell trails down his nostrils and enters his lungs. When the car arrives at the mouth of his house the man exits the sweatbox with the smell cloaking his clothes.
The sitting room is dark. A trickle of sunlight filters through the dirty net curtains illuminating layers of dust on the open marble fireplace. Above, a large copper-frame mirror hugs the flowery-white wallpaper while inside a tall glass cabinet an assortment of china rests beside a black-and-white photograph of man wearing a cap. A little smile lights the lips of the figure in the photograph and he stands up to his knees in a bog resting on a shovel used for cutting turf. Below the cabinet a whiskey bottle sits on a coffee table. The man takes a seat on a worn leather settee while the figure in the uniform sits opposite in a small wicker chair. There is no customary cup of tea, scone or biscuit only a slice of uneasy silence.
“It is too early to make assumptions but we will follow every line of inquiry. We will get to the bottom of this.”
The guard fishes out a black leather-bound notebook from his jacket pocket followed by a biro and starts to write. He stares into the man’s eyes. “It must have been difficult dealing with your father’s disappearance at such a young age.”
“Difficult?”
Silence follows. There is mention of legal proceedings as sweat churns round the room.
“The area is not to be disturbed.”
Upstairs the man sits on a single bed with his boots still on nursing a bottle of whiskey. Next to the bed is a table, on top is: a tin, a clay pipe and a box of matches. He puts the bottle down, on the floor by the bed, and presses his thumb hard on the tin, revealing little curls of tobacco. The scent of chestnuts swirl about the room as he stuffs the pipe with tobacco. Licking his lips he puts the clay pipe in his mouth and strikes a match. Light waltzes around the walls and across the lines of his face and then he lights his pipe, puffing white clouds around the room. The velvet curtains dance as he sinks into a horizontal position. It is a dangerous occupation, lying down and smoking, but he is well accustomed to such a routine. He positions the pipe upright on the bed, a little signal of smoke streams upwards as he fishes blindly for the whiskey. After a few attempts of snatching nothing but air he grabs hold of the bottle, opens it and draws the prize to his mouth. He lets the warm taste of oak whirl about in his mouth, and then releases the fiery stream down his throat and into his belly. In clever little intervals he puffs his pipe and gulps his drink. He views dusk through the swaying curtains, spotting flickering lights in the muddy-grey sky. The outline of the moon hints silver.
He is outside, now, swaying over the yard, clasping the cold, thin neck of the whiskey bottle. Taking large regular swigs he watches his white breath in the dark. He uses the light of the moon to guide him through the sheds and out into the open fields. A cold wind tears at him as he makes his way towards the approaching shadowy hedges.
He makes it to the spot where the body rests. Large pools of moonlight entrench the soil, illuminating the thin, bony skeletal features. Crouching down to get a better look he takes a swig for courage and then with an air of apprehension he touches its cheekbone. He gets accustomed to the cold rubbery flesh and then his fingers travel up to its cap, tracing the face, following the line of the jaw. He takes another swig while above the night sky swarms with white, forensic stars. He digs his hand into the jacket pocket of the skeleton, pulling out a thick-leathery bit of paper and with the help of the moon he makes out ghost-like faces. He runs his fingers over the sides of the paper, the front and back and then turns his attention back to the petrified body. He studies ground worms feasting inside the yawning smorgasbord mouth. A centipede scutters out of a deep eye cavity and travels endlessly down the sinewy road-like legs. The photograph slips now out of his fingers, floating over the blade of the plough and out into the hedgerows. Little drops of sweat slide down his arms and dampen his sleeves as he takes another swig and starts to walk, first in little steps but then they quicken over the landscape. He makes no plans, nor will he follow a path or an intricate route by which his generations once followed. Taking one last look behind at his moonlit house he walks towards the large brooding horizon that streaks little wisps of light.
9 comments:
Hey Tiger,
Just checked my email and saw that you had posted. I’m getting ready to leave for work now but I will get to this in the next couple of days.
As I said before, I’m glad to see you writing more fiction.
cheers man! There's no rush, thanks for your comment. At the moment I am quite consumed with short stories both reading and writing. Another short story is in the works and something that I really want to get the hang of in the future. Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas. Many Happy Returns!
Tiger, There is a lot here I really like, particularly when you are using very visual images. I can see exactly the scene you are painting. A few things that might make that work better:
1. The tense. I think this should be in present tense. This is very cinematic. You start with a wide shot and slowly move closer and closer until the camera moves into the house. There is an immediacy as the reader is watching this scene unfold. Except, we aren't there because it is all in the past.
2. Who is talking? I'd rather this be a camera leading the readers who are discovering this for themselves. Not an omniscient narrator. Obviously this ties into the previous comment.
3. The geese. This is minor. Everything you see
"wide ugly-flat countryside. Roughly ploughed furrows of earth covered the landscape while overhead geese followed an invisible line. Down by a windy stretch of road a collection of spindly trees screened a clutter of cowsheds and a grey two-storey farmhouse."
is fixed. Isn't moving. Was there, is there, will be there for the duration. Except the geese. If you want to keep the geese (and why not?) I'd separate them from the static part of the image. "Flying over the house and disappearing into the distance..." Thus the geese aren't part of the permanent landscape.
4. Keep the descriptions tangible. We get into the house fine.
"In the corridor large muddy footprints painted patterns on the worn flowery carpet."
Great. But then you give us a layout which forces us (at least me) to stop going with the flow of words, and to pause and think rather than just see (smell, etc.):
"The stairs stretched upwards towards the left. Straight down the corridor a door led off to the kitchen, inside was dark, small and mouldy."
We are no longer just flowing along with the camera. It's like now we are stopped at the bottom of the stairs and someone is telling us (not taking and showing us) what is upstairs. I have to stop and think, ok, to the...left. OK, got it. Or my other choice is to keep going and not get the sense of the layout because these are words, not images. I have to translate the words into the images. What happened to the muddy bootprints? Why not continue them? Up to now we were seeing, as I said, the scene through the lens of a camera.
You could continue the camera up the stairs:
"...footsteps on the worn flowery carpet, and disappearing halfway up the stairs. At the top, a corridor continues on. Five long steps down, through a doorway on left there's a tiny kitchen - dark and mouldy."
[Rereading this I can see my own confusion here between the corridor being to the left and the kitchen being on the left. It was the corridor, you didn't tell us about the kitchen. Left and right are concepts, not tangible things. Many people have to stop and think, which is my left hand?]
Then you get visual again.
4. "A photograph of his father" In my sense of this, we shouldn't have an omniscient narrator. The readers are discovering the scene themselves, in which case we wouldn't know it was his father.
I think the decision about whose eyes (the narrator or the cameras) we see the story through is important. The other points are minor. The language mostly is rich and so easy to see.
Thanks for the feedback Alaska Steve. Some very helpful tips, some of them answered some of the questions i was having. You'll see that I updated it here taking a lot of what you said in mind. Once again thanks a lot for your help.
You realize that taking my suggestions only encourages me.
Most of these suggestions are aimed at the following:
1. get rid of unnecessary words
2. keep the movement going forward
Here are some ideas for the early part and you can then do the rest on your own. This one is well worth it.
"In the narrow corridor large muddy footprints paint patterns and travel down the worn flowery carpet..."
I prefer “muddy footprints paint patterns down the worn flowery carpet”
"A thick layer of dirt veils daylight from entering through the window, below a limescale sink holds a dirty pot submerged in water"
'from entering through the window' is pretty clunky. How about something like "The sunlight is masked by a curtain of dirt on the window." (Windows don't normally wear veils and I don't see how the metaphor helps the story.) And the pot seems to be caught in a tug of war between the sink which hold it and the water which submerges it. Figure out one or the other.
"A table stands by the wall while a large-sized man with rolls of fat forming around his neck and waistline slouches over a cereal bowl."
Why ‘sized’? What else would large mean here? But I’d go further. Putting the table at the beginning of the sentence makes it the subject and focuses our attention there. But the man is really what’s important.
"A large man, rolls of fat around his neck and waistline [can we really see them forming?], slouches at a table, picking at a cereal bowl."
I changed to ‘picking at’ because I moved the table around and it needed something else after the change. I’m not sure the table is really necessary.
"Above a black-and-white photograph hangs over him, enclosed in a stocky, protective frame. The figure is of a slim a man wearing a cap."
Again, how can we get rid of the extra words and collapse this into one, shorter sentence?
"Hanging over him, enclosed in a stocky frame, is the black and white photograph of a slim man wearing a cap."
"The man does not finish his breakfast instead he gets up from the table and makes his way into the muck-filled air."
Strunk and White (If you don’t have Elements of Style I strongly recommend it) always say to replace a negative with a positive (they give lots of rules but also say you can break them when appropriate) so I’d do this:
"The man leaves his breakfast, gets up from the table, and makes…"
This also keeps you moving forward instead of backing up at the ‘instead” and going in a different direction. Besides, you can’t show “he doesn’t” easily in the camera.
"Outside the cold stings. The man walks briskly over the untidy yard covered in farm equipment and mountains of turf..."
Earlier you said the cottage was ‘open’. I took that to mean the door was open. If so, wouldn’t it already be cold inside?
"Sunlight illuminates the tractor bonnet, spills out over the rusty grates and travels into the windowless driver’s box."
Illuminate is more abstract. What exactly is the sun doing on the bonnet that we can visualize?
"Tidy uniformed hedgerows,"
Do you mean all the same, or are the hedgerows dressed like soldiers?
"butcher-like hands"
I guess butchers are supposed to have big hands. But ‘butcher-like’ hands - are those in the shape of butchers? Why not just ‘butcher hands’ if you must?
"He slides out of the tractor and marches over to investigate."
Get rid of “and marches over’.
"skull nests in the worn fibres of a lined cap"
Great image!!
OK, Tiger, you get the idea. Get rid of images that aren't necessary to the story. Keep if flowing forward. Get rid of as many words as you can that aren't tangible images.
You can do the rest on your own, I'm sure. Just wanted to give you some examples.
Happy New Year!! to you and to all the others here.
Cheers Steve thanks for all your helpful feedback. It means a lot to have someone giving some much needed feedback. At the moment I am reworking the story, hopefully it is improving and it will only get better the more time and that i put into.
Tiger, sorry I didn’t get back to this sooner. Looks like AK Steve has given you some very good feed back here. I’ll add what little I can.
First I really like this story and where you have taken it. The ending is good and provides the insight into the character’s actions at the beginning. Nice job.
The imagery is great. I agree with AK Steve that it might stand a little tightening up, but not too much. Actually you surprised me here; you are always very stingy with words.
The only things I might add are really just a couple of minor technical details that caught my eye.
“Then the blade strikes something. The stubborn earth fights.”
When my neighbor plows his fields nothing really slows the plow much, even big rocks get pushed aside. Perhaps the character should notice something sticking out of the furrow as he goes by on his next pass?
“in thick black clouds, flashing lights in the distance. The vehicle pulls up next to the tractor.”
In this part I believe the character stopped in the field at the scene. Maybe the vehicle should bounce over ruts or the tires should throw some mud. Don’t know… keep in mind I am familiar with the fields and equipment in the mid-western US.
Anyway, not much more I can add to the feed back you already have. AK Steve did a really good job critiquing this one.
Again, good job with this one. Thanks for the read.
well, i really don't have much to add after the great comments already posted. i really like the story and how you are handling it in this revision (i didn't see the original). One suggestion i would make though...you start many of your sentences either with "He" or with "The", sometimes alternating these back and forth. after a while i got a little distracted and started looking for these beginnings. i think that you could shake things up a little so the beginnings are more striking...i know you would be able to do so nicely, you have such talent with language. thanks for this! i'm excited for the next one!
Thanks everyone for your comments. You've all been very very helpful. LO you are right about overusing 'he' 'the man' 'his' I did not want to mention his name, don't ask why, so I became a little lazy and didn't think of changing my sentences around. Steve I have been thinking about what would really happen when a blade hits a body in the ground. Without sounding someone who has a sick mind I was doing a bit of mental research. Don't worry I won't be getting a real plough. But you are right, and raised something important. Perhaps the farmer would notice something in the ground or see an arm like you mentioned.
Lately I have been quite inspired to write short stories, so hopefully it will be a good learning year when it comes to writing short stories.
The next ones coming up should be a lot more precise with language and tighter in form. LOL I think I maybe be building myself up for a mighty fall.
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