Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Bike

Andrew’s house was a couple farms down from mine; near where the pavement ended and the gravel began. Just about every morning all of us would meet up on our bikes at the end of the road and disappear into the woods. We rode bikes in those woods so much that we wore trails through the underbrush; around the biggest trees and on down to the stream. We built a fort there, down near the flood plain of the stream from tree limbs we had picked up. One day Clay brought a shovel from home and we made a jump out of a dirt pile on one of our trails. We would ride those trails all morning; going around, gripping the handle bars as tight as we could to take the jump as fast as each one of us dared.

Andrew never took the jump very fast; he would just ride over it while the rest of us always tried to see how far we could jump our bikes. We always thought he was scared, but after a couple of times we stopped teasing him about it and let it go. One day Clay took the jump a little too fast, or maybe he just forgot to lean back some when he hit it. Anyway, he ended up landing on his front tire, which of course meant that he went right over the handle bars. Brad, Sam and I stood there and laughed at him. Andrew didn’t say anything; he just stood there with his bike and watched. Clay didn’t say anything either for a few minutes. He just kind of laid there and moaned because he had racked himself pretty good when he went over the bars. I straightened Clay’s front wheel by holding it between my knees and twisting the handle bars.

We would spend most of the morning in those woods, just riding the trails and playing in the fort. Later as the heat and humidity of the day would begin to set in we would wade in the stream where the silt from the bottom would ooze up between my toes. We would look for rocks to skip or maybe launch broken branches downstream to see how far they could go before getting hung up on a sand bar or fallen tree limb. Andrew was always kind of quiet; he would wade around, maybe pick up a rock here or there to look at. He never really got excited about anything, even when Clay wiped out on the jump.

Late afternoon we would all start to head home. It would be time for supper soon and we were always dirty, sweaty and hungry. Most days I would head on up to Andrew’s house while everyone else went on home. He would park his bike in the barn where he would wipe all the dust off of it with a rag from his father’s work bench. He would lift it up and spin the wheels to make sure that they were still straight. He would squeeze the brakes to see if the cables were beginning to fray and wipe the dirt off the chain, before oiling it with a squirt can. It was a red Huffy; banana seat, five speeds, cheater slick back tire. I think his parents bought it for him at a garage sale last Christmas. It had a few scratches and some duct tape on the seat but, never the less he seemed to love it. He always parked his bike out of the way of the tractor so his dad wouldn’t have to move it. I never said anything, but I always thought it was kind of funny how he took care of that bike.

Some days I would go on in his house with him for a little while. We would sit in his room and talk about things we could add to the fort or maybe some of the rocks that Andrew had found near the stream. He had a lot of those rocks on his book shelf. Some looked like plain old gravel to me, but there was some shale, some sandstone, and a couple pieces of granite. Andrew didn’t have much else in his room. Besides his rock collection, he had some books and a couple of toy tractors he had made from wooden sewing spools. He or his father had carved notches in both ends of the spools to look like big tractor tires, then put a rubber band through the spool with a couple of match sticks on the ends so he could wind them up. They would scoot across the wood floor pretty good unless they ran into the rug or some thing. I normally didn’t hang around too long because I would get bored. I knew Andrew’s parents didn’t have much; they only had a small television and there were no video games at all in their house.

Today I had stayed longer than usual and was really getting bored. I told Andrew that I needed to get going. He said, “Here I found this one today; you can have it.” He pulled a rock out of his pocket; it was a small piece of granite about half the size of a golf ball. Brushing some of the silt off of it I could see the small crystals imbedded on the surface. “Thanks” I said, “that’s a nice one.” “I already have a couple of these; you can have this one.” He smiled at me. I stuffed the rock into my pocket, “gotta go, see you tomorrow.”

I rode home, leaving Andrew with his sewing spool tractors, rocks, and his red Huffy in the barn. Leaning my bike against the back wall of the house, I went in to sit on the couch and play video games until supper was ready. While I lay on the couch Mom was talking to someone on the phone in the kitchen; I didn’t know if she even knew I was home. She stuck her head around the corner. “Oh, you’re home. What did you do all day?”
“Nothing much; I think Andrew’s parents are poor.”
“Why do you say that?”
“They don’t have anything, a little T.V., no games, no computer.”
“Farming can be hard some years; his father isn’t as lucky as yours to have a good job.”
I was getting my butt kicked at Duke Nukem. “When are we gonna to eat?”
“We’ll eat in a little bit; your dad will be late so he’s going to pick up something on his way home.”

I was still losing at Duke Nukem and getting tired of playing. I tossed the control on the floor and went out the back door. Mom was on the phone again and probably didn’t even hear me leave. I grabbed my bike and headed back down the road as it was just starting to get dark. I didn’t really plan on going back to Andrew’s house; I just wanted to get out for a little bit longer. But, when I rode by I could see the light on in the living room so I turned up his lane, while a couple of chickens scooted out of my way. I dropped my bike and walked through damp grass to the kitchen window. I could see Andrew at the table with his parents as I pushed my chin up to the window sill. Andrew and his Dad were laughing at something while his Mom spooned potatoes onto his plate. I took the rock out of my pocket and looked at it in the light below the window. The crystals caught the light from the window and gleamed like the dew forming on the grass. I placed it on the sill outside their kitchen window.

5 comments:

Alaska Steve said...

Steve, Basically, I like the whole feel of it. There's a genuineness about it all. It feels real. These are real boy things. A couple my reactions to think about:

1. In the beginning Andrew, who lives a few farms away after the pavement ended, would "meet up with us at the end of our road." Later, when the narrator goes home with Andrew he says, "I would stop on the way" (home). I got the impression that Andrew lived out, away a bit and would join up with the others. So it was confusing when the narrator went by his house on the way home. Why didn't he pick him up on the way too then?

2. A typo that spell check won't catch - you write 'super' instead of 'supper'.

3. Clay's jump doesn't work right for me. First you say "Andrew never took the jump very fast" and the boys would tease him, then it goes to "One day Clay took the jump a little too fast" In this short a story getting the characters straight isn't always easy for the reader and in my mind Andrew took the jump too fast, so I was surprised when Andrew was only watching. I had to go back and see who had done what.

3, "Today" was an abrupt change for me. I understood this was being told sometime later, a reminiscence. Then suddenly we're in real time. We were never set up for that. I think if you want this to reader to be there "today" you need to establish that at the beginning. Then you can do the backstory and then come back to today. Only telling us that near the end is jarring.

4. I don't understand the giving back of the rock. Even though the story starts out being about Andrew, when we hit 'today' the narrator stops being the invisible narrator and becomes the main character. It is no longer about Andrew, but about the narrator, about his act of returning the rock. But why? Because he feels sorry for Andrew? It seemed to me that Andrew didn't have a lot of things, but I didn't get the sense that he was 'poor.' He had given the narrator a present, but the narrator gave it back. How will Andrew feel when he finds out his present was rejected. The real story, for me, would be to then explore the narrator's paternalism here. Perhaps Andrew's life was rich, even if he doesn't have a lot of things. We don't know when this takes place (1950's or 2005?) which would make a difference on how much techno stuff he has. But perhaps his parents didn't believe in television.

There are lots of ways you can go with this. Just some of my reactions.

Steve said...

Hey Steve. Thanks for the good feedback. I wanted to keep this one short, so yes that does add some effort.

You hit on a couple of things that were bothering me about this one but I couldn’t quite put my finger on them. I wasn’t real happy with the beginning either. I see that I didn’t set it up good enough to establish the flow. The ending…I don’t want to make it too obvious. I’ll see, I could have gone a little too far.

Sometimes you just have to put them aside for awhile. I’ll get back to it in a couple of days.

Thanks again.

Steve said...

OK, first revision. I know it still needs some work but I’m going to be busy for the next few days, so thought I’d go ahead and post it for some comments until I can get back to it. Thanks for looking at the first rough one Steve.

Taidgh Lynch said...

Hi Steve, good story you have here. Before I comment I’ll let you know that I haven’t read any of the feedback yet, as far as I can remember. Just a few things that I noticed that I thought I’d mention. It could do with a bit more description. Like when the boys are in the forest jumping their bikes it could make for some good action. You could add the sound, the feeling of exhilaration, and the fear of landing the wrong side up. Maybe if you threw the reader right into the dust, the bike freezing momentarily in the air and the bounce of the tyres on the forest ground. And then Andrew does nothing. Then I would be more a part of the story and wonder what is wrong with Andrew. Then you would be involving the reader a lot more.

Perhaps the first person (it does give it a nice personal touch though) narrative limits it that the action may only be observed by one person or through the eyes of one person. Perhaps if you were to make it third person narrative or to tell the story more in an observatory way it would flow a little better. Like from a distance or through the eyes of a lens. I read that Andrew didn’t like to jump his bike though I am not too sure of the link with this and his home-life maybe if you tied it in a bit more it would make the plot and premise stronger. I think this could even be achieved through one little image or a little bit of dialogue between either the boys or his father.

Maybe the boys might joke about with Andrew – and why not. When I was that age (so long ago J) and I didn’t jump I would get stick from my friends or just a little bit of healthy rivalry or banter sent my way. It seems that it would make the characters more human. Also the readers do not know Andrew’s circumstances, until the end and so I was thinking he really is a spineless character or from another world for a lot of the story. I think you need to add a bit of conflict to liven things up and then once you’ve ridiculed him somewhat your character can discover the reality of what Andrew has to put up with. In actuality Andrew is the brave one he has to face more uncertainty and the unknown more than you or the boys realise. He has had to grow up quicker and maybe the reason for not jumping is that Andrew has already grown up, due to his circumstances he has had to learn to be cautious and take things seriously. I was thinking about the boys jumping the ramps and realising Andrew has jumped much higher metaphorical ramps than the boys may ever jump.

Perhaps that is just my interpretation of the story and where I would like it to go. There is a lot there and a lot more to discover I think. Also if it is about the bike, it should revolve a bit more around the bike and focusing on the bike and how it is treated a lot more then it is. I would get rid of the rock idea, focus on the bike, Andrew’s fascination over it, the way he treats it, talks about it, perhaps his happy reflection can be seen in the gleam of the bike. I know that sounds a bit clichéd but something a bit more like Andrew’s personality can be reflected or seen by looking at the bike. So the bike is a way of understanding Andrew and having that as your focus may help things. Also I would like to meet the bike in the first sentence or at least see it mentioned in the first paragraph. This would show that the bike is important. Also ending with a sentence about the bike will put a focus the attention on the bike. By doing this you are showing the readers that the bike is central, a character if you like, to the story.

At times there is also confusion as to what is going on with the jumping and then the wading through the stream. Does the action relate to general accounts or is it relating to specific incidents? That’s what confused me at times, and I think it would be best if they were general accounts to get rid of generalising things and making it more specific.

Thanks for the read. I am sure you have taken it that I found the story interesting and thought-provoking. Cheers!

Steve said...

Tiger, thanks for the great feedback. Even though this draft is missing a good bit it sounds as though you understood the story fairly well.

I think you are right; I do need to build up the part where the boys are in the woods and jumping their bikes…it does seem to be lacking there and that is a major part as it shows us who the characters are.

I like this one and plan to continue with it. Thanks again.