The Tunnel Prologue Draft A by Ryan Bucek
I shivered once more as another cold draft hit my half naked body. The tunnel I was currently in was dark and cold, the smell of rotting meat was everywhere.
"Perfect" I muttered to myself as I felt something warm and sticky under my foot. Not bothering to check if the thing I had stepped on was still alive, I started to sprint in the direction where the draft began.
The sounds of Laughter filled the tunnel behind me and I knew my life was in danger. The weezy laugh made my heart race.
He was done with the others and now he was after me...my...my....
blood.....
My name is Rosalyn Embry Hail, but most of my friends call me Embry. I had the perfect life....but I was so deceived because I knew nothing of what life could be like in the dark.
The nightmares still haunt me, but when I think of my old life the longing in my heart aches so much that I wish I were dead.
Family, friends, popularity....don't seem as important to me as before...not compared to Jin....
Now, as I pray for death I will tell you of the Tunnel....
2 comments:
hey ryan, sorry its taken me so long to get to this piece. i think that you set up some good atmosphere in here. i'm ready to see the rest of the piece! one suggestion that i would make is something that i have problems with as well. in several places your sentences are quite wordy, which detracts at time from the overall effect. "I shivered once more as another cold draft hit my half-naked body." you don't need to emphasize twice that this is not the first time this has happened. maybe rewrite to something like, "I shivered as another draft hit my half-naked body." this leaves me wondering why the speaker is half-naked, and why the speaker is standing in the cold draft, rather than getting bogged down in the language. also the second sentence doesn't need "I was currently in", as first of all the fact that the speaker is describing the tunnel is enough to put us there, and secondly this phrase sets up some potential tense problems.
those are just a couple of suggestions, but like i said, i would like to see the rest!
Hey Ryan,
…same here, I saw that you had posted this but didn’t have time to get to it until now.
I know that this is a prologue to a story and that it’s rough. Have you already written the story? I have never written a prologue, but when ever I need to write an introduction or an abstract I always write it last. Not that that is correct, it just works best for me. Anyway, just curious.
I cant add anything to what LO already said. Her comments are pretty much the same things that caught my eye.
My rough drafts are always too wordy, and sometimes my final drafts. I’m sure you will catch all that as you edit. If not, that’s what is great about posting here. It’s easy to get tunnel vision as one writes and other eyes can point out what we miss.
I’m looking forward to the rest.
-Steve
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